In writing this article I am hoping to address and achieve a number of things but most importantly this article HAD to be written for me, my healing, and sanity and partly to release the manifestation of hurt that’s sat with me for somewhat 20 years. It may be a total surprise to some of you reading this to comprehend as looking at my me from the outside ‘ I have everything’ but one thing I don’t have is justice. Others that can relate to this I hope it will bring to you some healing and allow you to be able to become stronger. As part of my bikini girl success I am active on social media and to get there I have had to stand in front of thousands in a bikini but deep down I am a real person, ‘Nina’ I am someone’s mother, lover, daughter and friend and my dream come true is to be someone’s inspiration. That is IT that is the reason ‘normal’ Nina became a bikini competitor to help inspire others, better my life but mostly to also challenge myself to heal from old wounds. Build my confidence, make people recognise me for the real me.
For some years I have been judged, been judged for how I look, how happy and positive I am and how supportive I WANT to be not HAVE to be. But somehow this seems to backfire on me, it back fires on me because some people have their own insecurities and see it as a threat and more often than not there is an underlying jealousy. Envy is different, envy is actually a very positive quality in someone as they recognise talents and admire person for that. Jealousy is different, jealously carries malice, resentment, anger and it also leads to people undermining or bullying others.
As a child growing up; it was tough. I was the youngest of 4 and I was raised by my father from 13 months old having no contact with my mother. This made me different, this made me more ‘one of the lads’ this made me tough! But actually in hindsight tough on the outside, it doesn’t change the real person who I really am deep down; compassionate, sensitive, and a pleaser, soft and emotional. This difference is having a father that successfully raised his children by being tough and courageous meant I was not allowed to show weakness and putting on a brave face became somewhat the norm for me.
Throughout my school years I had some great friends, happy memories but these always seem to be outweighed by the hurt from the ‘bullies’ as being good a sport and being the class clown as well as relatively academic always brought on jealousy - as I got older this got worse. College and university were different; new start new people new friends and more maturity. I could be myself and still to this day my best friend remains from college even though we barely have time to see or speak to each other, I know in my heart that this person knows me, doesn’t judge me and would always be there for me.
Leaping on a few years came a few rocky relationships but nothing set me up for the big bad wolf that I happened to have a child with. The irony in this is I actually thank him for being such a dread to live with as quite frankly my fitness path was created due to the ending of this relationship. I lost my way, lost who I was, in fact in retrospect I just existed; I was a kept woman who worked because I wanted to not because I had to as I lived with my wealthy fiancé who was and still is a controlling man. I was in fact told that he was sent to me for a reason. About a year after splitting from him when Annabel was just 16 months old an amazing spiritual lady read for me.
“ You were sent this man to be the success you are going to be, you have dealt with the biggest bully the universe could find, you needed him, you needed him to face your fears, grow and become successful. The industry you are going to enter will surround you with jealous people, people that will manipulate others for their own self-esteem, these people will be your biggest challenges. You will become successful as you can now deal with these people as you did when you escaped that relationship and became a better person with a better life you will too become more successful in your career as these people you can now handle’
At the time I sat and listened, I listened but couldn’t understand what she meant as all my ‘friends’ around me at the time from the industry were amazing. I felt I had finally met people that didn’t judge me, shared some great memories and a journey together that was of a shared interest. People that could relate to me, those that could support and maybe guide each other to be successful. How deluded I actually was. To this day this lady was right, she had it spot on.
Bullying isn’t always done directly to a person and the beauty of social media is people can hide behind words and #hashtags and also tagging or untaging people; this is otherwise known as social undermining. I am now (cough cough) 31 years old, 31 years too old to have to be faced with bullying. I can honestly say I have the best group of friends, best support, best partner and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life but one thing; if I could wave a magic wand I would love to clear my guts from the hurt I carry daily from bullies. Many close people have said to me, don’t give it the energy, don’t rise to it, carry on doing what you do but you know what; that compassionate soft (maybe daft), class clown that wants to please and is sensitive quite simply cannot do it. I am a strong individual, I am determined, i don’t get involved with social media rants, arguments and I remain professional. I have a job to do for my own journey, my daughters journey and to make my life as best as I can. It doesn’t carry malice, resentment and I am too spiritual and believe in karma therefore give out good energy, I don’t want to hurt people along the way therefore I want to be recognised for Nina, not the perceived Nina.
I would really hope that anyone reading this can heal, grow and learn even the bullies. Maybe reading this; you know you manipulate others or purposefully look at angles to aim malice towards someone with no real reason to justify your behaviour; stop take a moment and please for the sake of the victim ask yourself; does that person that may be someone’s lover, mother, daughter or friend really deserve the bad energy you are casting or is it something in yourself, mabe an insecurity or something else you can work on as a person in order to spare someone’s hurt that they have to deal with behind closed doors to put on a brave face.